Life Themes & Wasted Energy

I've been keeping a diary for years, and the work I've been doing lately has largely been on those paper pages, not in the public (and vaguely commodified, performative) forum of a blog.

May 7 2006. Sunday evening but still light

There seems to be a lot wanting to come to the surface lately. Today I was struck at how words create pictures, and how writing is processed so effortlessly into narrative vignettes. What incredible minds we have, that we can feel a story by reading words!

I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately—maybe that's why I'm so tired. ...I heard quite clearly in my own head the other day that the purpose of (this) life is to connect with others. That rules out only a few avenues, unfortunately.

This groping for the future has also turned my eye to the past, with an attention to the broad themes of my life. I can see patterns only now, 30 years out. One is "becoming exasperated with a group situation"; unable to to feel safe owing to a lack of boundaries; overly-invested in others' drama; seething with desire to leave, but seeing no way out; leaving finally, in good time; such relief upon release that the lifestyle so abandoned isn't seen accurately.

At least in this last transition—leaving the monastery—there hasn't been some embarrassingly juvenile behavior on my part. But from my childhood home—through school years, to graduate school and life in spiritual community—I've been acting from the same script, over and over.

Another theme is "in spite of fretting, I do my best and everything works out"—namely, I get into college; I succeed as a scientist in due time. Yet another strand: "personal connections bear fruit," when I have the gall to make them. Or the string of bizarre little hobby sidelines that look promising, but need to be pursued in order to amount to anything (no shortage of ideas in this little mind)...I can carry a torch for years....There is a strong desire to betake myself to other lands, where I will be loved at last. These have ALL been with me since I was five years old! As a very small girl, I got incredible crushes; I had seven hobbies at once; I dreamed of running away.

I don't think I've so clearly seen my emotional reactions and stories about myself as continuous with the internal scenarios concocted by my child self.

Yesterday, M. emailed me again about the our paper, now accepted into Science...look at that: my discovery, which I hated and walked away from five years ago...in Science. I knew then that I was leaving just as things were getting good, and that it didn't matter—I couldn't stand it. Maybe I should have taken a couple of months off and then looked for postdocs....Yet that never seemed like an option, although it certainly was suggested to me. I'm sure I would have hated it too.

So there's another theme: "overlooking the obvious choices." Not seeing a perfectly reasonable path, so overwhelmed am I with aversion.

Right now, or recently, dharma has been the obvious path. But how to stay on that path, let alone where to end up, has been anything but clear. But just today, a total stranger started sharing her personal spiritual search with me. Again.

Feeling is at least as important as knowing. I can think myself silly, but when I feel the right thing, naturally I move.

So much energy is wasted in feeling threatened....These days I feel it when someone is describing their web design plans and profession. But if I set aside feeling threatened, I could ask them to help me. Or draw the line at undermining my own interests. Or whatever is needed. I needn't always be nicey-nicey; I do sometimes think that "free Delia"="nice Delia".

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When committed, there are no "deal breakers." One has a sense of purpose and is not stopped by fear.

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Dwelling in "I don't like this/I'm miserable" vs. "What do I wish to become?"