Relating to a Spiritual Teacher

In response to my allusion to Niall that "the relationship with a
teacher is usually thought to be some sort of metaphysical mystical
bond. I haven't found a teacher who I can study with in the way I want
to, with whom there is ALSO the mystical bond I assume must be there" my blood-cousin and brother in the dharma Ryushin had this to offer:

Ryushin: We were talking in the workshop this weekend about relationships and how in the West we fall in love and then decide that this is “the one.” Chozen was relating that in most other parts of the world it goes the other way. You are set up with someone, or somehow wind up with them, and through the actions of showing respect, appreciation, and love for them the feelings come. She actually said, “Feelings do not determine whether we are in love or not.” I found this a stunning statement. However, I agree.

So, with the intimate nature of a teacher student relationship I think the same can be said. I thought that I should have some mind blowing experience when I met “my teacher.” When I met Hogen he was sitting in his office on Larch Mountain over looking the Columbia Gorge. He turned around and greeted me with a bow. A moment later I was whisked off and met Chozen in her office in the house next door. A moment later I was being shown the garden and meeting Alison/Yuko. No fireworks.

There was a point where I realized that I would have to let go of my idea of what my experience was going to be like if I would ever let the universe teach me something. This can also be seen in the way that we treat certain objects sacredly and they become sacred, and others we don’t and they are considered ordinary or profane.


Naturally I had plenty to say in response and resonance.


Shugetsu: I think of the relationship with a teacher as analogous to a romantic relationship. You are asking to be seen, and you are vowing not to leave, and some very deep parts of the self are getting stirred. Through my own twisted karma, I am a bit of an expert in falling in love!

I've fallen in love so often that I don't necessarily consider having a strong initial psychic/emotional reaction to a person to necessarily indicate anything other than a strong psychic/emotional reaction! However, I do "recognize" certain people, and I've never been wrong: they've all been amazing companions on the path. There are also amazing friends who I did not initially "recognize," or fall in love with, or feel all woozy around.

And having of course psychic fireworks don't indicate you should be "with" a person. I've had some very strong psychic stuff happen with one teacher in particular, and to me it's reason enough to steer clear. And even though I "recognized" Hikari, and was happy with him for years, a romantic partnership really isn't right, given who we are now. And it wouldn't be, even if all obstacles were magically removed. (You wouldn't believe how long it took me to get that one figured
out.)

In November I went to the wedding of another ex boyfriend, Rajeev. It was an arranged marriage, and my first Hindu wedding. As you might imagine, the relationship was not established on passion, but the wedding was nevertheless a very sweet affair. Rajeev and Reema had established a mutual committment to a lifetime together, which they vowed to carry out. (Interestingly, the bride and groom made different vows, reflecting the practical differences in how power is historically distributed within a marriage. So the groom vows not to get angry if the bride goes back to her mother's house for a break
without telling him. And he promises to consult with her before purchasing any big-ticket items!)

The wedding was a turning point for me. I "got" it. Being as passions are unreliable, and even a profound psychic connection doesn't necessarily guarantee the suitability of a partnership, on what do we base our alliance? On shared vow.

But even though I put little stock in mystical meetings, there is still a mysterious sympathy that develops between people with a shared purpose. Being as humans are tender creatures, should there not be some spark of promise, some internal resonance that will allow me to work in very deep places, or at least be willing to be uncomfortable in this person's presence? There needn't been rainbows and birdsong, but there should be some sense that the ground is a fertile, so that what needs to come forth can do so in optimal circumstances. You wouldn't marry someone *only* because they are a good match on paper; what if you knew you could never love and trust them? Allying yourself with them would be counterproductive.

Basically, I'm looking for promising circumstances. Some ease of relating. And a vow I'm able to support. This is not to denigrate the Bays or their work in any way at all. In spite of faithful efforts on all sides, I just never felt that Great Vow was a place I could land. Others don't understand; to return to the arranged marriage metaphor, it's like a promising suitor not working out. But from the first, I knew I wasn't yet where I needed to be, and that's been a pretty constant certainty.

I am secretly fearful that nothing will ever satisfy, and that I will always feel some vague sense of unease. Lately some things have started feeling very right, though. In the past month, something has shifted, and I realize I am more than interested in ordination. It's where I'm going. Along similar lines, I am no longer averse to being married. It could be a very nice thing. Until now, I wasn't really ready for that level of committment. I think I'm a late bloomer in general!