More from the email to Niall:
Interesting that you ask who my teacher is. That question is such a common one in zen and buddhist circles, and the relationship with a teacher is usually thought to be some sort of metaphysical mystical bond. I haven't found a teacher who I can study with in the way I want to, with whom there is ALSO the mystical bond I assume must be there. It's a topic of much introspection about my picture of practice vs the reality.
I received precepts from Shohaku Okumura, who I love, and I studied very deeply (or so it feels to me) with Hogen Bays at Great Vow. But I have not asked either of them to be my teacher or (more to the point) viewed them as "the one", the person to whom I am responsible for my practice, from whom I dare not hide any aspect of my personality, however unflattering. For years.
I am increasingly aware that ordination and spiritual ministry are a very likely path. I've been slow to figure this out, and I'm biased to mistrust the desire of those who come upon a vocation suddenly. So it's obviously time to work with someone in a more structured and committed way.
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