Food Insecurity and the Finer Things in Life

$20 worth of cheese has moved through our refrigerator in the past week or so, and I've eaten only the barest portion of it. My housemates buy Muenster and smoked Mozzarella. I buy the most boring California Cheddar at $5 a pound.

Actually, I would rather not buy cheese.

This is not because I dislike fine cheese. To the contrary. Next to the others the Cheddar is nearly tasteless. Not as bad as what comes from Safeway, but still more exciting for its brilliant orange color than anything else.

I have taken to feeling personally hurt or worried when the heat is turned up to 68 degrees, and this joyful consumption of cheese—Rob melts it on nearly everything, burns it black in the broiler half the time—feels like something I can't afford.

Perhaps I could. I've earned $284 working at the store, or will have when Ruby pays me. Apparently she's notorious. (Which came as no surprise: I've been taking increasingly shrill calls from her landlady, on the 20th of the month, no less!)

I think the issue has to do with feeling pressure (largely self-generated) to pay for a luxury I wouldn't otherwise choose. I feel obligated to force bits of cheese into my diet so I'll get my money's worth. It feels terrible.

The view of My Self as an accomodating team player is clashing with some harsh economic realities. And it doesn't have to be like this. Saying what I need would be one way to cut through a lot of anxiety. But somehow I'm ashamed. I wouldn't mind being seen in the store paying with food stamps, and I wouldn't mind if people knew. Yet to say to the people I live with, "This isn't working for me," is a stretch.

In other words, welcome to the edge of practice. Where DeliaShugetsu gets to examine her assumptions that Worthwhile People don't have individual needs, and that Good Zen Students just trust the universe like clouds and water. I might have to work a bit to get the gratitude flowing, but I know this is exactly what I need to deal with. Thanks be to the cheese!

One of the girls at the store is on food stamps. Which is incredible considering how social services have been cut. But this happy young thing told me she and her boyfriend each receive $150 a month for groceries, by virtue of being OSU students who qualify for financial aid.

That's a tremendous amount of money.

I assumed that 32-year-old aspiring writers need not apply, but I looked at the online eligibilty calclulator, and...I'm going to go talk to a caseworker at the Benton County "Self-Sufficiency" Office. The prospect of receiving "Self-Sufficiency" rather than "Welfare" is awfully inspiring.