I have been paralyzed, in a way. It has seemed like an act of greatest fortitude to say, "I did this. I felt this way. And I wonder what it means."
I wonder how I can love the kids I tutor so much; I wonder why I can't sleep; I wonder why there are days when zazen is the farthest thing from my mind, even as a mantra decorates everything I do. I wonder why there are days when I sit for hours, hungry for the world inside this one. I can't tell you why.
I notice an increasing sense of my own dignity and boundaries. A palpable sense of no longer accomodating the disrespectful.
Perhaps, where blogging is concerned, I feel I have already said too much. That it is too easy to google my name and find the blog. Or too easy to go blog-->photos-->name. I have a professional self now. There are those whom I would not want to know if I am having a hard time, if I make a grave mistake in my personal life, if I have a deep spiritual insight. Or a shallow one that sounds so good.
Did I mention? I feel single in a very happy way. Realizing how multifacted and intriguing my experience is, I wouldn't be willing to be partnered in a way that didn't magnify the Shu. Without someone else around to please an accomodate--to be derailed by--I feel my own rhythms. Days come when reality thins to a veil and something palpable hovers just..there--just everywhere, borne by glory. Other days are cold, lugubrious, and flat. They're mine, though, my life, the life of this little self.
4 comments:
Dear Shu whom I do not know very well: There is nothing wrong with You and Blogging. I'm glad for you to push yourself past paralysis, as all we who blog daily must; but don't hit yourself too hard with the dharma stick. I read your blog frequently and with gratitude, because it offers quiet insight and a beautiful, honest view into another's world. Don't stop seeing and saying, please. Thank you.
PS: I'm "Aodhán"--you and I met glancingly a few summers ago at Tj when I was visiting a close friend for a few weeks.
unnarrator said it better than i can . . . really appreciate your writing, always look forward to it . . . if you are concerned about people in your life reading your blog, what if you held your posts in draft for a week, a month, before publishing, might be an interesting practice in itself, would keep a student from thinking she could check on your mental state before meeting you . . .
Cheers --
--Chris.
A-- Yes of course I remember you! :-)
I appreciate your thoughts, and Chris's, on this. There is a strange dichotomy between wanting to be seenm, and wanting to hide. It makes blogging (and life in monasteries, and being close to any other human being) as rewarding and as terrifying as it is.
Post a Comment