Voices, and a Calling

The most notable thing about the transition into the “outside world” from the monastery is that Life-- the inner world--is unchanged: there is still the unyielding continuity of time, great swaths of forgetfulness about the basic truth of reality, and then moments when the truth punches through, and the world is fresh and real and unshrouded for a short time.

Last week, Rob and I were mired in two to three days of frustration and frequent conflict. I am reminded yet again of the power of the various “voices” that comprise personality: they were moving about near the surface, and occasionally a fearful child or angry parent would breach the barrier and assert itself.

Finally we had a real “fight”, meaning the voices were consciously aired and heard. Somehow we were able to say what was going on internally--why we were hurt, for example-- while maintaining a broader knowledge that the voice was only telling a small and very subjective part of the story.

Importantly, we were also quite remorseful about our hurtful thoughts and actions. How could you not regret the sad and unflattering stuff that’s been dwelling inside, waiting to be triggered by upheaval and misunderstanding? Without that recognition and regret, the psychological hurt would be much more persistent.

In the wake of that event, both of us have had tremendous energy, just as a person does after a formal Voice Dialogue session (where the various subpersonalities are allowed to air their views without being squashed--or believed without question). It seems easy to get things done, and life is much smoother than before. Initially, it would take all day to run errands that amounted to almost-nothing!

Even before this clearing-of-the-psychic-crap, both Rob and I had begun to notice a real change in one another: our skin is rosy; our eyes are bright; our lips are red. We look beautiful, in other words. Must be all that sleep. And access to tremendous, fresh, organic food!

Now if we could only get internet service....

The far more mysterious issue is what I’m actually going to DO with my time here, especially in terms of making money. I bought a computer so I could do freelance writing, editing, and web design.

The low-budget alternatives didn’t make much sense, so now I’m the proud owner of a (beautiful) new Macintosh iBook. Which I now need to pay for! And so the cycle begins anew, as they say on the nature shows.

I am continually reminding myself that the goal of this sojourn in Corvallis, however long it lasts, is to determine direction for the next stage of this life.

The overally direction is clear, with no question other than “how?” Unfolding the Dharma --those deep truths that Buddhist practice uncovers with shocking effectiveness--is the foremost matter, the foundation, and the reason for being here.

But how to live it? How best to employ this life energy in the manner that is most suitable and necessary to the world? I know the answer must necessarily be right in front of me, but I can’t quite make it out. Or admit to it.