Transmission of the Light Sesshin

We have just emerged from a weeklong sesshin with Dharma Rain, a Soto Zen sangha in Portland who are good friends with the Great Vow monastics and teachers. Last year during this sesshin, I struggled greatly; dying would have been more comfortable. This time, the experience was profound and unobstructed.

The work I've been doing with just trying to feel vulnerability, rather than react with a scenario, has led to another stage: reassurance. It's been a very slow process to go from noticing fear/anger reactions arising, to beginning to cultivate a sense of safety and oneness. I have no idea why, but somehow many situations are colored by a sense of unease, and my default attitude in the presence of others is reliably one of vigilant watchfulness.

I've found a great deal of relief in noting the unease, and then also noting that I am not actually in any apparent danger at the moment! It's surprising how helpful this cognitive aspect is! In meditation, there's a chance to work more deeply, and that's what I did this week.

When I start to sit, I have been consciously allowing love to expand through me. Opening the heart allows every breath, every second of time, every bizarre behavior to become a gift. It's easy to see the sunlight rain-speckled leaves as a beautiful treasure, offered freely to all who would see it. To accept this body and this moment, however, is not our first inclination. I was determined to stay focused, and not to drift off into a pleasant stupor; there is work to be done from a place of comfort. Nevertheless, just to sit there, satisfied, for days on end was a real joy, and a definite novelty.

It was a shock how quiet my mind was. For days. I hadn't realized this, but it makes sense: the bulk of the mind-chatter and discursive thought that comes up in meditation is actually resistance, and it's in response to feeling uncertain and unsafe sitting on a little black cushion in the zendo.

In this quiet place, I didn't think much, but I do have some things to remember :


"What I Learned in Denko-e Sesshin"
Musings by Shugetsu

A teacher who is good for you...
...sees your true self, and reflects that truth back to you.
...is committed to working with you, engaging but not "fixing" you, no matter where you go.
...can guide you because they were guided by their teacher before them.

Submission... (as opposed to surrender)
...is a strategy in response to stress
...involves withdrawing the personality and hiding
...eventually leads to anger and other self-defending states
...involves contraction rather than expansion or transformation


Surrender
You surrender primarily to the dharma and to the practice, but you do so by putting yourself under the direction of a teacher.
Surrender is a continuing process rather than a static state.

Resistance in zazen
is what all that nattering thinking IS
is ameliorated by feeling safe and at-one with all that is
arises in the form of voices
voices tend to be childish, such as the squirmy 6-year-old
voices tend to come up when the body-mind system is vulnerable: tired, in pain, etc.

the end