Great Heart

There are various cycles of practice, and I seem to spend a lot of time and effort suffering greatly when it's time to shed a layer. I learn a great deal from such burning-up, but the unending torment gets to be a monotonous theme after a while. Therefore, it seems only right to speak up and acknowledge when a time of great peace and rightness has arrived. The reason for doing this goes beyond self-congratulation; it's important to testify to the benefits of practice, even if no-one but myself benefits from the reminder.

Four days ago, I attended a Big Mind Workshop, an event which could be disparagingly described as a zen revival meeting, spiced up with a lot of group-think, and unsubtle suggestions on the part of the facilitator. Gempo Merzel Roshi, an American Zen master based in Salt Lake City, has developed a spiritual technique based on the principles of Voice Dialogue (a highly worthwhile discipline) and endorsed by spiritual superstar Ken Wilber. As a result of this endorsement, there were a lot of folks there with plenty of enthusiasm but little prior experience with either zazen or Voice Dialogue.

I resolved to myself that I would concentrate on my own practice, and wholeheartedly work with whatever was offered. I was there and I was not going to leave; there was no sense in being critical of the workshop. Although the proceedings resembled group hypnosis in many ways, and I have some strong reservations about the validity of trying to verbally process the ineffable, I was nevertheless transformed.

There are a few issues which have been lurking in the depths of the psyche, and are really ready to emerge and be healed. They've been down there so long that when they spring forth, they do so with some force and a "sproing!"ing sound.

The big revelation, then, was tapping into an archetypal energy, completely psychologically real, called "Great Heart." This is a feeling rather than a description, but if I were to give it words, I'd say that Great Heart seen by Shugetsu is vast and warm, deeply caring and nurturing, focused and passionate, full of boundless good will.

My life is not characterized by good will toward myself. I can cherish others, and feel tenderly towards salamanders and earwigs, but I haven't felt a sense of wonder for this person's body and mind. To find a Great Heart that cherishes this being, and to understand that I can return again and again to a tender love for myself, has been phenomenal. I don't really know who or what I am, but these ligaments and lungs and legs benefit greatly from being held by this love.

It's not that Great Heart is a part of me or a component of Shugetsu's psyche. Rather I am part of it. When I am cherishing others, this Heart is moving through me; we don't generate love, but we channel it. Others awaken that energy in me, and it naturally springs forth. But it can't be forced, and urgently wanting another to love us only stifles the natural tendency to love.

I have spent so much of my life looking for love in another person. Now I am beginning to understand that no other person can reliably gratify that desire, and that I can experience the wholeness I have yearned for whenever the vulnerable elements inside require reassurance and comforting. In other words, I have choice, and I don't need to lay my crap on others.