Cooking

Here is what is hard: to express oneself or create something new when the child who is coming into this life as the nearest and most profound recipient of one's love is ill.

Over six weeks, the baby has slowly descended into diarrhea. Then came his illness. Even though he's no longer ill, the poop situation is worse than before. He is drained. And so part of me is drained. There is the constant nursing--he eats more from Cafe Mom now than he did two months ago. But more depleting is the worry: the low-level ache that something is wrong; the problem-solving head on addressing of the issue, again and again; the flicker of fear when the pediatrician says she's out of ideas; the whipping flames of terror when I realize he doesn't eat, he's dehydrated, his poops are completely watery, he's losing weight, he isn't his sparkly curious self, and there's no explanation why.

A renowned ND has been called. Some remedies have been ingested. The effluent may be firming up; it is less frequent for sure. We are waiting for a cancellation. In the meantime a tub of baby diarrhea sits in the fridge, ready for delivery to the lab tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I hold him and look into his eyes as he nurses. You are here with us, I tell him. Papa and I will always take care of you.

I have taken special care to make sure his naps are regular, his fluid intake is ample, his days filled with both security and stimulation. Every once in a while a bloggable idea overtakes me, but it just isn't important. There is nothing as important as this child's health.

Today he ate a bit: chicken bits and applesauce and some nutrient-loaded muffins I concocted in his honor. Things are looking up, and it is on that thread of hope that I find the strength to write.

Muffins for a Sick Baby Who Still Loves Baked Goods

1. Preheat oven to 350F

2. Combine:

3 c. whole wheat flour
1/2 c. wheat germ
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp spices

3. Blend thoroughly:

2 eggs
1/4 c. olive oil
1/2 maple syrup
1/3 c. tahini
1.5 cup mashed sweet potato (or pumpkin puree, or applesauce)
1 c. rice milk
1 c. grated carrot
1/2 c. grated golden beet

4. Pour wet ingredients into dry ingredients. Mix until just blended. Fill greased muffin cups just to the top.

5. Bake 350F for 35 minutes. Makes 18 full-size muffins.

6. Break into little bits and put in baby's mouth. Give him some bits to hold. Say "Umm!" along with him.