If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed....

Lately I have been seeing children as timeless beings, already whole but focused on developing and blooming into maturity.

My husband is out of town, so the baby and I have been taking care of each other. Tonight, after K was done sitting at his new little eating table, I took my turn. He stood next to me and kept up a companionable interaction.

Suddenly, I aspirated a grain of rice, and coughed. For some reason, K is really perturbed by coughing. He can be in deep slumber, but if someone coughs, he jolts awake crying. Tonight, worry flashed across his face, and then an uncertain smile, in anticipation of my reassurance.

I patted my chest. "I'm fine, honey. Just a little rice."

He looked me in the eye, coughed twice, and patted my chest.

This sort of thing may be why I have the sense that there is considerable understanding residing in this tiny 9-month-old's baby mind.

This baby was really keen on saying "mamama" and "baba" (papa) two weeks ago. But now is only word is "ub" (up). He doesn't reach his arms up, or even use the ASL sign I've modeled every single time I pick him up. He just looks at you and says "ub" in a completely matter-of-fact tone. And sure enough, you pick him up!

He is an inveterate wiggler, and he doesn't like to hold still to have his diaper changed. But if you ask him to hold still, and then count to three, he holds still. Papa discovered this.

It was predicted from our horoscopes when the baby was born that he and I would be very much in synch with each other, and we are. Spending time together seems effortless this week. There's an easy harmony to our company. When things aren't going well--every once in a while I get bent out of shape--the baby gets cantankerous and his sleep goes all to hell.

The other day I was noticing the usual fantasies about doing something "real" and "important" with my life, maybe embarking on a career at last, or going back to school. As if I haven't had enough opportunity to learn that the conventional path isn't my natural course! But anyway, there I was, and I realized: if my son is going to be happy and peaceful, *I* need to be happy and peaceful. Maybe some moms can be stressed and wrestle with life and still have happy children, but that's not us.

I may go to school, or I may tutor again, or I may look into patent law. Or I may realize my dream of starting a book hand-bindery (really). I may stay home for years and homeschool my kids instead. Whatever I do, conflict-ridden, dysfunctional workplaces are not an option. A hectic pace of life that disrupts our ease is not an option. Knowing this is nice. I don't need a galaxy of options. I can only do one thing at a time. And I am doing the right thing for right now.

Whatever I do, one thing is certain: this little fellow will continue becoming who he is. I recognize his newborn self in the bigger baby. And someday I will recognize this charming, energetic, curious, sweetheart in the body of a grown man; I pray that day will come. Until then, we will turn our hearts ever in the right direction, and take it one step at a time.