We became friends right away. Three years later, we became lovers. Until that happened, I thought I knew him, but I was mistaken. He did something I had not known was possible, which was to love simply, without need. It was a novelty to feel so safe. Perhaps ours was a lucky match, to be marked by such easy caring. But I think it had more to do with him, with his having grown up feeling secure and loved.
After four years of cocktails, travel, and lazy mornings curled together, things between us ended. I had taken much for granted. And then I was devastated.
But love-without-need was the gift I took away with me. I can try to describe it, but the only way to understand is to feel it. It is something known by transmission from one human to another. It becomes a truth in the body, a way of being rooted in yourself. This unselfish love frees the heart to be as large as necessary; lets it feel and not be threatened by feeling; allows others to become who they are.
The second gift I received from this relationship required incubation for months and years before it could be realized. It is the experience of how time heals; how the heart mends after loss. This is slow, but is as inevitable as life itself. We can heal from tremendous pain.
Now, I’m more delighted by life than I was on that day ten years ago, before I knew any of this. I’m sadder, too, seeing how things can be..versus the way they often are.
3 comments:
You're lucky to have experienced love.
It takes a while to recognize the second gift as a gift, doesn't it? And even longer to feel real gratitude for it.
(No, you don't know me from Adam. I come here by way of Leks. Lovely writing -- hank you!)
... er, that was supposed to be "thank you!"
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